Asher are you gonna be a Gor Gor soon?

This week has been rather uncertain for me. Feelings are mixed. Today marks the 39th day of my cycle. I am absolutely not sure what is happening. There can only be 2 reasons. One, my cycle has gone haywire (again). In August last year, the aunty decided to take a longer break than usual and visited me at the 38th day. This is why I do not want to overly expect too much. Second, Asher is gonna be a Gor Gor. Unsure unsure unsure. "Go do a test!!!" - You may say. Yes, I will but not yet. I will be patient and wait. Who knows, the aunty might decide to take a long break again this time? I do not want to be disappointed again. So I will wait just a couple more days. Anyway, we have planned to go Bali next Tuesday. So I will definitely do the test by Monday. If I see 2 lines, i shall forfeit my Bali trip and say bye to my $88 air ticket and $150 hotel and bye to hubby too, who will join the rest of TTL to their Bali getaway. If I see 1 line, I will bring lots of pads...and will be super sian in Bali. No water sports... no massages.. So Day 39, hopefully you pass by quickly without anything too exciting. Day 40, ditto and maybe I will be tempted to use the kit. Day 41, ditto if I didn't get tempted on Day 40 to use the kit. Day 42, ditto if I didn't get tempted on Day 40 and 41 to use the kit. Day 43, going Bali or not?

Happy 1st Birthday My Precious Boy

Baby dearest, You have just turned 1 last Friday. It was a public holiday and I was glad. Daddy and I visited the memorial plaque and to our surprise, we saw a mini present pasted on the plaque. We wonder who is the mystery person. How I wish you are still with us, Asher. You would be learning to talk, to walk even and we would be holding a birthday party for you. Daddy & Mummy would be so proud of you! I really wonder how much you have grown, and who you look after. I just cannot imagine how you look like now. Daddy said a little prayer before we left. We went to catch a movie in Shaw Orchard - The perks of being a wallpaper. Just a random show but I just want to note down what we have done so that in years to come, I can recall what we have done on this special day. Thereafter we went shopping and had dinner before going home. We still want to rejoice and celebrate this day, for this is the day that God has brought you into our lives, and has brought us much joy and memories. Today, as much as I wished what happened a year ago did not happen, it will still be a day that we had to face. Grandma called me today and told me that we should slowly let the memories fade. NOOOO... why should I? You may be gone, but this does not mean I should forget about you. And I won't. I know you are in heaven waiting patiently for us. Asher, we will.

Baby Dedications & Parents' Day

A few months ago, the church held its baby dedication. James & I were sitting at the second block of seats, pretty far from the stage. It was very hard on me. I tried very hard to control my emotions, but somehow my tears just flowed uncontrollably down my cheeks. I do not seem to care how the people sitting near me would view me. I missed Asher. If he was still around, we would be carrying him and standing right in front dedicating him to God. But I did not have the chance anymore. A few weeks ago, there was another baby dedication ceremony. This time round I did better. I was determined not to embarrass myself again. Hence, this time round, I distracted myself and not pay full attention to the ceremony, not look at the parents and their kids. And I did it! I did not cry again. Then again come another event that made us uncomfortable. Parents' Day. Parents' Day is celebrated in Trinity on the 3rd weekend of June, which was last weekend. I was trying hard not to let my emotions go weak again. I can sense James was feeling upset too and I did not dare to look at him, just in case I go weak and cry.The next evening when we talked.. he questioned if children are gifts from God, why then did God take Asher away from us? I told him about the book of Job and what I gathered from there, that God is testing our faith for him. And I truly want to hang on to the promise that God will grant us with more children and miracles will happen such that we can then testify God's goodness. A cell friend messaged me later that evening to check on us as she felt for us on during the service. I thought no one would think about us but she did and I really appreciate her for being sensitive to us.

Thinking of you

Christmas is over. New Year too. Chinese New Year is going to be over soon. 3 months have passed since Asher's birthday but memories of the whole delivery process, the days in hospital, the dreaded call...even the journey to the hospital that dreaded night & all that had happened following that are still very fresh in my mind. There are so much flashbacks to all those...I dunno if I'm trying very hard to recall because I'm afraid I will forget them & lose the little memories I have of Asher or I just simply can't forget.

I will not forget that Asher existed. I don't think I ever will. Whenever I see babies, toddlers on pictures or elsewhere, I get a soury feeling. I wished I still had you Asher.

Dreams

It has been some time since I dream, or perhaps, remember my dream. Last night I had a weird dream..dreaming of me carrying a baby & doing all the things a mum would do - feeding, cuddling, kissing etc. I must have missed Asher too much. =)

Mummy cried again

Dearest Asher,

Today was Mummy's 2nd time to church service after confinement (missed last Sunday's one as we could not wake up in time). P. Larry caught us after service & spoke to us. He said he was happy to see Daddy & Mummy in church. Mummy & Daddy also saw Auntie Mui Leng, our friend who attended the same marriage preparatory course in June last year. Auntie Mui Leng & Uncle Norman had just got married last Sunday & Mummy congratulated her. Asher, do you know that Auntie Mui Leng remembered you? She asked Mummy if you are born already & I told her yes, but you have passed away. Then Mummy cried again..after so long & Auntie Mui Leng gave Mummy a big hug. Auntie Mui Leng asked what happened & Mummy told her.

Asher baby, we miss you greatly. We really wished you are here with us, being part of our daily lives.

Daddy's Birthday

Dearest Asher,

It was Daddy's birthday yesterday & we went Lawry's for dinner. It was our first time there, or rather the first time that we are having an expensive meal. There was a 1-for-1 main course promotion & since I did not your Daddy any present, I decided to bring him there. Daddy had the English cut while Mummy had the California cut. The meal comes with the Famous Spinning Bowl Salad which just tastes like normal salad. 真的是pattern多过badminton!  We also had wine which we anyhow chose.. Haha.. And ended our meal with Creme Brûlée. The Lawry's staff surprised us with a birthday song for Daddy, making him abit embarrassed.

During dinner, we talked about you. Daddy said that if you are still around, there would. be a stroller beside us & Mummy would not be wearing what I was wearing (the fluffy top with pants & black heels) cos we would not have planned to go Zouk after dinner. Really really miss you Asher!

Lawry's gave us some lucky draw forms, birthday member application forms to fill up. There was a field asking us to fill up the number of kids we have. I told Daddy, we have one. Daddy said it's true, just that he is in heaven. So, both of us wrote one in that field on the forms. Asher, are you looking down from heaven at us & smiling when we did that? 