Happy 1st Birthday My Precious Boy

Baby dearest, You have just turned 1 last Friday. It was a public holiday and I was glad. Daddy and I visited the memorial plaque and to our surprise, we saw a mini present pasted on the plaque. We wonder who is the mystery person. How I wish you are still with us, Asher. You would be learning to talk, to walk even and we would be holding a birthday party for you. Daddy & Mummy would be so proud of you! I really wonder how much you have grown, and who you look after. I just cannot imagine how you look like now. Daddy said a little prayer before we left. We went to catch a movie in Shaw Orchard - The perks of being a wallpaper. Just a random show but I just want to note down what we have done so that in years to come, I can recall what we have done on this special day. Thereafter we went shopping and had dinner before going home. We still want to rejoice and celebrate this day, for this is the day that God has brought you into our lives, and has brought us much joy and memories. Today, as much as I wished what happened a year ago did not happen, it will still be a day that we had to face. Grandma called me today and told me that we should slowly let the memories fade. NOOOO... why should I? You may be gone, but this does not mean I should forget about you. And I won't. I know you are in heaven waiting patiently for us. Asher, we will.

Baby Dedications & Parents' Day

A few months ago, the church held its baby dedication. James & I were sitting at the second block of seats, pretty far from the stage. It was very hard on me. I tried very hard to control my emotions, but somehow my tears just flowed uncontrollably down my cheeks. I do not seem to care how the people sitting near me would view me. I missed Asher. If he was still around, we would be carrying him and standing right in front dedicating him to God. But I did not have the chance anymore. A few weeks ago, there was another baby dedication ceremony. This time round I did better. I was determined not to embarrass myself again. Hence, this time round, I distracted myself and not pay full attention to the ceremony, not look at the parents and their kids. And I did it! I did not cry again. Then again come another event that made us uncomfortable. Parents' Day. Parents' Day is celebrated in Trinity on the 3rd weekend of June, which was last weekend. I was trying hard not to let my emotions go weak again. I can sense James was feeling upset too and I did not dare to look at him, just in case I go weak and cry.The next evening when we talked.. he questioned if children are gifts from God, why then did God take Asher away from us? I told him about the book of Job and what I gathered from there, that God is testing our faith for him. And I truly want to hang on to the promise that God will grant us with more children and miracles will happen such that we can then testify God's goodness. A cell friend messaged me later that evening to check on us as she felt for us on during the service. I thought no one would think about us but she did and I really appreciate her for being sensitive to us.

Thinking of you

Christmas is over. New Year too. Chinese New Year is going to be over soon. 3 months have passed since Asher's birthday but memories of the whole delivery process, the days in hospital, the dreaded call...even the journey to the hospital that dreaded night & all that had happened following that are still very fresh in my mind. There are so much flashbacks to all those...I dunno if I'm trying very hard to recall because I'm afraid I will forget them & lose the little memories I have of Asher or I just simply can't forget.

I will not forget that Asher existed. I don't think I ever will. Whenever I see babies, toddlers on pictures or elsewhere, I get a soury feeling. I wished I still had you Asher.